How to prepare yourself for coming out and handling people's reactions
This is the second article in my mini-series on coming out as LGBTQ. The weeks since I published the first one, which you can see here, have been quite full of stuff for me on a personal as well as professional level. I might touch on some of that later. They have, however, somehow made this article feel all the more important to write and it is my sincerest hope that you find some value in it.
When we come out to people there are many possible reactions we may receive. These can range from the ever-sought-after acceptance and support to the aggressive and everything in between. They can be accompanied by many different emotions as well and it is important to know how to prepare for and handle some of these as well as the various reactions you may receive.
Planning and preparing yourself
When you are planning to come out to friends or family, it’s important to build into your plan some self care, especially if there’s the possibility of a less than ideal reaction. Now, when I say self care, I absolutely do NOT mean things like spa days, yoga or whatever Instagrammable thing that pops to mind. I mean taking care of yourself. So there’s no prescriptive element to this. The things that make me feel good and are me taking care of myself may not be the same as for you. For an example, I find it really comforting to curl up under a blanket with a hot drink. You may find a hot bath and a foot rub do it for you more or maybe you are comforted more by music. Or maybe you find something else helps best.
Carving out some time in advance to do whatever brings you solace in moments of distress and other difficult emotions is crucial after you’ve come out to those friends and/or family who may not react well. If you know before even broaching the topic with your friends and/or family that you will be able to go and do [insert specific self care thing here] then it gives you something positive to hold on to while you are coming out to them as well as before.
If you are anticipating a challenging, difficult or rejecting reaction from the person or people you are going to come out to as LGBTQ, it can be really helpful to take a supportive person with you. This is not about hiding behind them and is more about their presence giving you strength. Choose your person wisely. Their presence needs to be helpful to you in that moment, otherwise it’s just not worth it. If, after they’ve agreed to come with you, they show you that they’ve changed their tune and might actually be less helpful than you originally thought, you can absolutely change your mind and ask them not to come with you anymore. Coming out can be so difficult and that’s without your support making things harder by being less than supportive.
Practicing what you are going to say and how can be really helpful for some people so, if you think this might work for you, know that you can do this. You may find it helpful to write down what you want to say or having practice conversations in the mirror. You may also find it helpful to get someone to roleplay your coming out conversation with you. By doing all/any of this, you can explore different ways of handling different reactions. Perfect if the friend(s) or family member(s) you are going to come out to may react in a variety of ways. Now, there’s every possibility that what you practice doesn’t come up or escapes your mind in the moment. But even if this happens, the simple act of practicing can give you a boost in confidence going in.
Handling their reactions
So now you have some tips on preparing to come out. Let’s look at ways to handle some of the potential reactions.
The easiest to handle is the genuinely supportive and accepting response. And what a wonderful position for you to be in! This is the most affirming possibility and it really can deepen or strengthen relationships. Be mindful that support and acceptance don’t override any previously established boundaries in relationships. If someone didn’t want to know about the details of your sex life before, then unless they indicate otherwise, don’t share details of your sex life after coming out. Enjoy and savour it!
Some people react aggressively and shout, throw things or insult you and maybe even others you know and care about. Do not tolerate such behaviour. When people are like this, there is no reasoning with them. Remove yourself from the situation. If you need to say something while you do, then it can be helpful to state that you simply will not engage with them while they’re behaving like this. You cannot control how people feel about things and sometimes people need to have their initial reaction before they can think clearly. But neither of those mean that you should be their physical, verbal or emotional punching bag.
Passive aggressive reactions look a lot calmer on the outside but as the name indicates it’s still aggressive. It’s possible that in Western cultures you are more likely to encounter this than the direct aggression mentioned earlier. If someone reacts passive aggressively to you coming out it could involve giving you the silent treatment (not to be confused for estrangement) or them persistently forgetting to use your preferred pronouns. They could also be making snide little comments that blame you for things. For example, parents blaming you for them being lonely as they will never have grandchildren. It’s also not uncommon for passive aggressive friends to repeatedly make excuses not to do things or go places.
Handling a passive aggressive reaction is a challenge. However tempting it may be, do not respond in kind. If you meet passive aggression with passive aggression, anger or frustration, then things are not going to improve. Limiting contact with this person may be the healthiest things you can do for yourself. Before doing this, it is important to look at setting new or enforcing existing boundaries with them. You need to remember that every boundary needs to have an appropriate consequence for violations so be clear with what you will do before you set or reset a boundary with someone. Following through with appropriate consequences if someone violates one of your boundaries is crucial.
Sometimes people will disengage from the conversation topic and make it clear that they love you but that they will not talk about anything LGBTQ+ related. This can be difficult to hear because despite the explicit mentioning of how they love you, the clearest message they are sending is one of unacceptance. There’s no single right or wrong way to deal with this. However you approach it, limiting your contact with them is likely to be very beneficial for you. You may decide that this particular family member or friend is significantly distant (geographically and/or emotionally) while also being important enough, for whatever reason, for you to maintain a cordial relationship with. You may feel that you need to set a boundary whereby they at least acknowledge your identity and/or your partner as valid. Or you may decide just to cut ties with them entirely. Whichever you choose, make sure that you are honouring yourself appropriately and only putting yourself in situations which truly have your best interests at heart.
Some people will just choose to disengage from you entirely. In other words they’ll disown, ignore and wash their hands of you. I view this, while being incredibly painful, as the trash taking itself out. They are clearly showing you that you are less important to them than their own views. While it is vital to allow yourself to grieve for relationships which you have lost (hello good ol’ self care!), don’t forget to savour the freedom and liberation you have now. You can be you and do what is important to you without having to worry about the potential repercussions in those relationships.
Routinely undermining and dismissing your LGBTQ identity is another type of reaction you may encounter. It has similarities with passive aggression but there are, I feel, key differences that warrant it having a separate section. This may be a primary reaction or it could only come to the surface after the primary reaction has subsided. It can also be quite subtle. Undermining and dismissing your identity can show up as believing and/or telling you that you’re going through a phase. They may try setting you up with people of the opposite gender to you, ignoring any current relationships you have with people of the same gender to you, or make it clear that you are, in their eyes, straight because your current partner is the opposite gender to you. They may deliberately use the wrong pronouns when referring to you (different to the ‘forgetting’ seen with passive aggressive types). This kind of behaviour requires strong boundaries and possibly inserting some emotional distance between yourself and the person doing this stuff. Boundaries serve to protect you as well as teach others how to treat you so they are the best way to approach someone who undermines or dismisses your identity. They are an act of love - to yourself as well as those around you.
Now we come to denial. This can look like some of the other reactions I have already described, apart from the fact that denial involves a complete rejection of what you’ve said as fact. The person who is in denial may look very similar to the one who undermines and dismisses your identity or the one who disengages from the subject because they’re uncomfortable, but those actually have taken what you’ve said on board and are consciously objecting to it. Dealing with the denial reaction can be very difficult because they won’t be able to be accepting and supportive until they work through the denial. Time and repeated exposure to things that slowly/gently push them to accept that you are not cisgender or straight may help if you have the resilience and perseverance to do it. Moving fast here is not likely to be successful.
I sincerely hope that you encounter more supportive and accepting reactions from the key people in your life. However, I know that unacceptance is all too common. When planning to come out to people in your life, it is important to prepare and look after yourself. Yes, what you have to tell them can be life changing for them too. But that does not mean that you should accept their poor behaviour.
This has been the aim of this article. To help you plan and prepare. And to give your prep some structure and guidance.
Please let me know either in the comments or via email whether this is helpful for you.
Master your emotions with Carole
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