Coming Out 101
Last summer I wanted to write about coming out. It’s such a large topic though that any outline or notes I made just felt too big. I just wanted to cover too much. So, I’m turning it into a mini-series :) Today we’re looking at how to come out, when and to whom. Unfortunately coming out isn’t something that you only do once so these three things are important to consider multiple times. The second article in the mini-series will look at how to prepare for and handle bad reactions from people you come out to. We will finish this mini-series off with a ‘How to’ for responding to family members or friends coming out to you. And a quick hint - it’s of value to people within the LGBTQ+ community as well.
Enough of the summary now and let’s get into this!
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One of the first things to consider is: “Who do you want to come out to?” So let’s start there.
Now, coming out to your parents or your partner has a different feel to it, a different level of emotional significance, when compared to coming out to strangers. I think this is why some of the people I speak with aren’t ready to come out to their family and friends but they can come out to me. Sometimes you will have an idea (realistic or not) of how people will react to you when you come out. It’s OK to take stock of your mental and emotional wellbeing and say “I’m not in a place where I can handle bad reactions so I will only come out to those who I know will be OK with it.” You don’t have to tell everyone all at once. Coming out at work is less of an issue in the UK these days than it was 30 years ago. Still, you don’t have to come out at work if you don’t feel like you can hack it right now.
Coming out can cause a lot of anxiety and stress. Particularly when you’re thinking about coming out to key important people in your life. Because of this, addressing the “when” is necessary in thinking about coming out. There is no need to come out of the closet as soon as you are able to formulate the words in your head of “I am gay/lesbian/bi/pan/trans/enby etc”. In fact I strongly recommend taking some time for yourself first. This time can be useful for a number of reasons.
It can:
give you time to get to grips with your LGBTQ identity yourself - sometimes you may have your own beliefs that make it difficult to accept it.
be helpful to get a feel for what you want to do in light of your LGBTQ identity. Sometimes there are clear consequences. For example, if you are gay or lesbian and in a relationship with someone of the opposite gender to you, you likely are going to want to pursue relationships with people of the same gender to you at some point and the fate of your current relationship is written on the wall. However, it’s not always so deterministic. Coming out as bisexual, pansexual, another m-spec orientation or even transgender doesn’t necessarily spell out an end to any current relationships in the same way. It is somewhat inevitable that the other person will have questions though. So taking some time to figure out at least a vague idea of what you want to do now you’ve accepted your identity before coming out to those key people in your life can help you in the long run.
give you time to prepare yourself for the conversation. You absolutely are allowed to do this if you need it.
We’ve all seen the TV shows or films where people are caught in a situation that forces them to come out. Sometimes you are never going to feel ready to come out. There’s always an excuse to put it off if you look for one. So, when you know what your LGBTQ identity is and you know what you want. Don’t just sit back in fear.
“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”
~Nelson Mandela
Obviously there are other considerations when thinking about how to come out. It’s important to allow time for the conversation in a distraction free environment. This is particularly true for coming out to those key people in your life.
Imagine trying to have this conversation with your partner while they are trying to cook dinner and the kids are in and out with questions or rants about homework and the dog is underfoot. It’s just not conducive, is it?
So some planning is needed.
Choose a low distraction time and environment. Wait for the pressures of work to be over for the day. Turn the TV off, ask them to put their phone down etc.
Allow enough time. Even acceptance can come with valid questions such as “what does this mean for us?”
Make sure neither of you are hungover or under the influence of drugs/alcohol. It can be tempting to use either of these to get over inhibitions or for some “Dutch courage” but drugs or alcohol can cause more problems when it comes to honest, soul-baring conversations.
Do your best to consider the acronym HALT - Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. If neither of you are hungry, angry, lonely or tired then everyone is going to be able to think clearly and respond more positively.
Understand if they need to take some time to process. This can hurt because we want our loved ones to just accept us unconditionally and immediately. Them needing time to process is not necessarily the same as them rejecting you so try to put any requests for time into perspective with other things they’ve said and done.
Know where your deal breakers are with respect to their reaction and what you want in life. You may not want to end the relationship. It is still important to know where the limits of your happiness in a relationship are before having a conversation which could change things completely.
This has been a joy to write because I wish someone had told me all of this before I started coming out to people. I hope you have also found it helpful.
What do you think will be most useful when you come out to people in your life?