Any asexuality 101 would be failing if it didn’t start with the question: What is asexuality?

Put simply, it is when someone experiences little or no sexual attraction. An asexual person does not experience that lustful desire to get sexually intimate with someone. Where allosexual people (those who do experience primary sexual attraction) can see someone down the street, in the park, at an event, on the TV etc and get the urge and desire to engage in sexual activity with them, an asexual person does not. That’s asexuality as an orientation. 

It is also a spectrum of distinct orientations, including asexuality and others which lie between asexuality and allosexuality such as demisexuality (only experiencing secondary sexual attraction after developing a close emotional bond) and grey-asexuality (an orientation related to asexuality but with some aspects that are different - possibly experiencing infrequent sexual attraction). Grey-asexuality is sometimes also considered to be an umbrella term for the different orientations between asexuality and allosexuality. I’ll do a deeper dive into the different asexual spectrum orientations another time.

When speaking more informally, the words asexual and asexuality often get shortened to ace. So you’ll see and hear people talking about being ace, the ace-spectrum etc. In line with this, grey-asexual and grey-asexuality sometimes get shortened to grace. Allosexual or allosexuality gets shortened to the word allo. I will stick to the full words here but it felt important to include this.

As with the other pride flags, the different colours in the asexual pride flag represent different things. The black represents asexuality, the grey represents those between asexuality and allosexuality such as demisexuals and grey-asexuals, the white represents allosexuality and the purple represents community. Having pride flags like this can be so important for people as it enables finding that community easier.

Some people reading this might be questioning why this term allosexuality is necessary as it applies to the majority of people. It’s important to name all human experiences, no matter how prevalent, because by naming them, we can talk about them. It’s incredibly difficult to accurately and clearly communicate what asexuality is if we don’t have language to put to the experience of allosexuality as well. I appreciate that this adds steps to being able to engage in conversations but that’s why we’ve started where we have.

Let’s now look at some of the myths around asexuality.

As there is variety in how asexuals relate to sex, many find it helpful to use descriptors such as sex-favourable, sex-positive, sex-neutral, sex-negative and sex-repulsed to communicate more succinctly their personal feelings and experiences around the topic of sexual activity. It can be helpful to know someone is sex-negative or sex-repulsed if you want to make a book or film recommendation, for example, and it doesn’t require any sharing of intimate details that either of you might be uncomfortable with. With the prevalence of sex (implied or explicit) in our media, it can be tricky for sex-repulsed or -negative asexual people to find things they’re happy and comfortable viewing/listening to. Sex-neutral, -favourable or -positive asexual people have an easier time accessing and enjoying media that they’re comfortable with.

Sex is everywhere in our society and there are a whole load of social norms and expectations surrounding it that we’re exposed to from the very beginning of our lives. One in particular underlies many of the above myths and that is compulsory sexuality. This is the notion that everyone must experience sexual attraction. To not experience it is seen to be abnormal, unusual, deviant, sick, dangerous and so on. The existence of compulsory sexuality makes life significantly harder for those who are asexual as they are subject to stigma, discrimination and prejudice as a result. Prejudice and discrimination against asexuals is called acephobia. The inclusion of the word “phobia” is misleading as it isn’t a fear of asexuals, it’s a rejection of those who don’t live up to the social expectations around sexual attraction and desire. Acephobia is perpetrated by those within the LGBTQ+ community as well as those who are cisgender and heterosexual.

Acephobia is a real, everyday issue. Asexual people, especially women and non-binary people with female hormones and genitalia, are still routinely treated as though their absent sexual attraction and desire is a physical or mental health problem. Doctors, nurses, psychiatrists, psychologists, counsellors, therapists, coaches etc - all of them work hard to “fix” the problem they perceive to exist instead of supporting people in exploring whether they’re not sick and are actually asexual. They have not questioned the idea of compulsory sexuality for whatever reasons and, as a result, they are perpetuating the harm of pathologising valid human orientations. Relationships are another arena in which the damage of compulsory sexuality plays out. At its worst it can result in physical and sexual violence - and that includes the use of manipulation tactics like guilt tripping, coercion, pressuring etc. The impact of compulsory sexuality and acephobia on asexual people is more complex than I have outlined here and cannot be understated.

All LGBTQ+ people deserve to receive supportive and affirming support when accessing coaching and/or mental health spaces. I endeavour to provide such to the people I work with and proudly wave the flag for practitioners who are genuinely supportive and affirming.