Asexuality 101

Any asexuality 101 would be failing if it didn’t start with the question: What is asexuality?

Put simply, it is when someone experiences little or no sexual attraction. An asexual person does not experience that lustful desire to get sexually intimate with someone. Where allosexual people (those who do experience primary sexual attraction) can see someone down the street, in the park, at an event, on the TV etc and get the urge and desire to engage in sexual activity with them, an asexual person does not. That’s asexuality as an orientation. 

It is also a spectrum of distinct orientations, including asexuality and others which lie between asexuality and allosexuality such as demisexuality (only experiencing secondary sexual attraction after developing a close emotional bond) and grey-asexuality (an orientation related to asexuality but with some aspects that are different - possibly experiencing infrequent sexual attraction). Grey-asexuality is sometimes also considered to be an umbrella term for the different orientations between asexuality and allosexuality. I’ll do a deeper dive into the different asexual spectrum orientations another time.

When speaking more informally, the words asexual and asexuality often get shortened to ace. So you’ll see and hear people talking about being ace, the ace-spectrum etc. In line with this, grey-asexual and grey-asexuality sometimes get shortened to grace. Allosexual or allosexuality gets shortened to the word allo. I will stick to the full words here but it felt important to include this.

The asexual pride flag

As with the other pride flags, the different colours in the asexual pride flag represent different things. The black represents asexuality, the grey represents those between asexuality and allosexuality such as demisexuals and grey-asexuals, the white represents allosexuality and the purple represents community. Having pride flags like this can be so important for people as it enables finding that community easier.

Some people reading this might be questioning why this term allosexuality is necessary as it applies to the majority of people. It’s important to name all human experiences, no matter how prevalent, because by naming them, we can talk about them. It’s incredibly difficult to accurately and clearly communicate what asexuality is if we don’t have language to put to the experience of allosexuality as well. I appreciate that this adds steps to being able to engage in conversations but that’s why we’ve started where we have.

Let’s now look at some of the myths around asexuality.

• "Asexual people don't belong in the LGBTQ+/queer community"

  False. Asexuals experience prejudice, discrimination and stigma at the hands of the cisgender heterosexual dominant group in a similar fashion to other members of the LGBTQ+/queer community. The same mechanisms are at work. While the attempts to exclude asexuals from the community speaks to prejudice against them from other LGBTQ+/queer people.

• "They just haven't met the right person yet"

  No. Asexuality is a valid orientation with evidence of asexual people existing in the world going back over 100 years. There's also evidence of other species having no sexual desire too.

• "It's caused by sexual trauma"

  This isn’t true. Many asexuals do not have a history of sexual trauma so it clearly doesn’t cause asexuality. And of those who have experienced sexual trauma, only some can connect it as contributing to their asexuality. What we often find, however, is asexuals being coerced, pressured or otherwise forced into sexual activity because the other person believes this will “cure” them.

• "It's a hormone imbalance or other physical health problem"

  No. Many asexuals, either at the urging of partners or on their own initiative, have gone down this route of looking for a physical cause that can be addressed so they can be “cured” and neither individual medical treatment nor research has provided evidence of a physical health issue causing asexuality.

• "It's a mental health problem"

  No. The medical model still pathologises low sexual interest/arousal (their way of talking about asexuality) but that does not mean that it’s true. Just like how it wasn’t true that homosexuality was a psychological disorder, asexuality isn’t either. No other non-heteronormative sexuality is still pathologised quite so openly and pointedly anymore (the ones that are still pathologised are done so through less blatant ways). Some people within the psychological field are calling for change to these prejudicial, discriminatory and victimising diagnoses and there are those of us who bring a truly affirming and supportive approach to work with those who are or might be asexual.

• "Asexuals are cold, unloving and robotic"

  Definitely not! This is a popular depiction in stories of characters who are ace-coded (ie don’t experience primary sexual attraction to others, have little interest in sex etc) but that’s just a sign of the creators and writers not knowing actual asexual people. Asexuals are just as capable of emotionally connecting with and loving others as allosexuals.

• "Asexuals are wiser or more mature"

  This doesn’t get voiced much unless wizards like Merlin, Dumbledore and Gandalf are discussed. People purposefully desexualise these figures explaining that they have simply grown so wise and/or mature that they are no longer concerned with such base things as sex. Asexuality is no more or less evolved, wise or mature than any other sexuality.

• "Asexuals don't have sex"

  False. While some asexuals don’t have sex, there are plenty who do. Their reasons for having sex are varied and can include enjoying the act itself, fulfilment from providing their partner with something they need, to have children etc. The key here is that asexuality is not the same as celibacy (deciding not to have sex despite experiencing sexual attraction) and that there is variety in how asexual people relate to sex. 

• "When you’re in a loving, committed relationship with someone, sex is a requirement"

  No. There are many happy, loving and committed relationships out there that do not include sex. Sex is not automattically and universally a defining characteristic of happy, loving and committed relationships. If there’s a mismatch in desire for sex within a relationship, it’s for the people involved to agree, free of pressure and coercion, whether sex is a component of their relationship and what it might look like if it is.

• "Asexuals can't be kinky"

  False. Many asexuals are kinky. Kink is not just about spicy sex and many of the asexuals who don’t have sex can (and do!) enjoy it.

• "Demisexuality is just choosing not to have sex with someone until you've got to know them better"

  No. Demisexuality is on the asexual spectrum and it is about the experience of sexual attraction, not when you choose to act on the desire to have sex with someone. Demisexuals do not experience primary sexual attraction but do experience secondary sexual attraction when they’ve developed a close enough emotional bond. This is not something they control nor is it simply the modern day version of waiting until marriage.

• "My partner has an asexual partner - It's my right to ask if they have sex with each other"

  When we are engaged in some form of ENM/CNM, sharing information about sexual health risks and safety precautions is important so everyone can make informed choices. As sex is not the only way we can be exposed to such health risks (plenty of kink activities carry risks like this too), it is more informative and respectful to simply ask about your partner's exposure to risks and what their safety measures are. The exact nature or manner of fluid/blood bonding (eg sex, kink, blood magick etc) between your partner and your asexual metamour is of no importance when it comes to what you need to know. You need to know what risks there are and what parameters you and your partner can engage within that works with both of your risk profiles.

  A good piece of guidance is to check yourself before asking a probing question about someone else’s relationship and ask yourself: am I asking because I’m curious about my meta’s relationship(s) or am I asking because this is the best way to get the information I need to keep myself safe?

As there is variety in how asexuals relate to sex, many find it helpful to use descriptors such as sex-favourable, sex-positive, sex-neutral, sex-negative and sex-repulsed to communicate more succinctly their personal feelings and experiences around the topic of sexual activity. It can be helpful to know someone is sex-negative or sex-repulsed if you want to make a book or film recommendation, for example, and it doesn’t require any sharing of intimate details that either of you might be uncomfortable with. With the prevalence of sex (implied or explicit) in our media, it can be tricky for sex-repulsed or -negative asexual people to find things they’re happy and comfortable viewing/listening to. Sex-neutral, -favourable or -positive asexual people have an easier time accessing and enjoying media that they’re comfortable with.

Sex is everywhere in our society and there are a whole load of social norms and expectations surrounding it that we’re exposed to from the very beginning of our lives. One in particular underlies many of the above myths and that is compulsory sexuality. This is the notion that everyone must experience sexual attraction. To not experience it is seen to be abnormal, unusual, deviant, sick, dangerous and so on. The existence of compulsory sexuality makes life significantly harder for those who are asexual as they are subject to stigma, discrimination and prejudice as a result. Prejudice and discrimination against asexuals is called acephobia. The inclusion of the word “phobia” is misleading as it isn’t a fear of asexuals, it’s a rejection of those who don’t live up to the social expectations around sexual attraction and desire. Acephobia is perpetrated by those within the LGBTQ+ community as well as those who are cisgender and heterosexual.

Acephobia is a real, everyday issue. Asexual people, especially women and non-binary people with female hormones and genitalia, are still routinely treated as though their absent sexual attraction and desire is a physical or mental health problem. Doctors, nurses, psychiatrists, psychologists, counsellors, therapists, coaches etc - all of them work hard to “fix” the problem they perceive to exist instead of supporting people in exploring whether they’re not sick and are actually asexual. They have not questioned the idea of compulsory sexuality for whatever reasons and, as a result, they are perpetuating the harm of pathologising valid human orientations. Relationships are another arena in which the damage of compulsory sexuality plays out. At its worst it can result in physical and sexual violence - and that includes the use of manipulation tactics like guilt tripping, coercion, pressuring etc. The impact of compulsory sexuality and acephobia on asexual people is more complex than I have outlined here and cannot be understated.

All LGBTQ+ people deserve to receive supportive and affirming support when accessing coaching and/or mental health spaces. I endeavour to provide such to the people I work with and proudly wave the flag for practitioners who are genuinely supportive and affirming.

If you want to learn more about compulsory sexuality, I highly recommend this book by Sherronda J Brown.

Refusing Compulsory Sexuality: A Black Asexual Lens on Our Sex-Obsessed Culture is an easy to read and very informative exploration of asexuality and systems of oppression.