Today we’re going to be exploring what aromanticism is, what aromantic people want in terms of relationships with others and how they are impacted by some of society’s norms and expectations/assumptions. This is basically an aromanticism 101. 

But hang on, what do we mean by the terms aromanticism and aromantic?

Aromanticism is the term given to the experience of having little or no romantic attraction and aromantic (often shortened to aro) is the word used to describe or identify someone who experiences little or no romantic attraction. The concept of romantic attraction might be new to some of you. It’s basically that internal experience of having a crush on someone else or being infatuated with them is romantic attraction in action, so to speak. 

Romantic attraction and the desire to interact with others in a romantic way are different and, of course, there’s variance within the aromantic community when it comes to interest in and desire to be romantic with others. Aro people can enjoy or want to engage with others in romantic ways (often referred to as romance-favourable), can have no strong feelings regarding romantic interactions (romance-indifferent or romance-neutral) or they can be disgusted by the concept of romance and/or romantic interactions (romance-repulsed). 

Since with these terms we’ve got language to put to the experience of having little or no romantic attraction and to describe the people who have this experience, we need to name the opposite. The experience of having romantic attraction to others is what we call alloromanticism and people who relate to this are described as being alloromantic. It’s important to have language for all the different human experiences as that allows us to discuss things and understand the similarities/differences.

When we talk of aromanticism and being aromantic, we often think of it as a specific orientation and it certainly is a romantic orientation in its own right. I would like to now turn our attention to the aromantic spectrum - a variety of romantic orientations that exist between aromanticism and alloromanticism. The aromantic spectrum (also known as arospec or just aro) is inclusive of all romantic orientations which are not the socially expected norm of alloromanticism. We will explore these in greater depth another time, it’s just important to acknowledge here that there is a spectrum and there’s great variety in the human experience of romantic attraction!

Above you can see the aromantic pride flag. Aromantics are part of the LGBTQIA+ community and, as such, for the purposes of visibility, recognition and celebration, there’s an aromantic pride flag. The dark and light green stripes represent the aromantic spectrum, the white stripe represents platonic love and friendships and the grey and black stripes represent the diverse spectrum of sexualities. 

The inclusion of sexuality in the aro flag is a recognition that aros vary in their experiences of sexual attraction and that they can be anything from aro-ace to aromantic allosexuals. Sexual attraction and romantic attraction are separate experiences and the existence of both aromantic and asexual people (regardless of whether they identify as aro-ace or not) really highlights this distinction. Aromantic people may be lesbian, gay, bisexual, pansexual, omnisexual, polysexual or on the asexual spectrum. They may also identify as relationship anarchists or be kinky, vanilla, monogamous, ethically non-monogamous (ENM) or polyamorous.

Having little to no romantic attraction doesn’t mean that aros are incapable of having deep, meaningful relationships or partnerships. Most aro people want to experience and have such connections with others. They don’t just have to settle for friendships. As long as the other person is open to the aromantic person’s non-normative experience and needs, aros can have very fulfilling and deep relationships with others. The level of commitment someone brings to a relationship or partnership is not dependent on the presence of mutual romantic attraction or a romantic aspect to that relationship. Aros as well as alloromantic people who no longer have romance but choose to lovingly stay committed demonstrate this time and again. Considering the variety in ways that aromantic people experience the world, romantic attraction, sexual attraction and structure their relationships, it takes open and honest communication to properly understand what any one aro may want from their connections with others. 

Some people think that aros are actually incapable of love or are emotionally immature and unable to experience a full range of emotions but this isn’t true. Aromantic people are as capable as anyone else of experiencing a complex and interconnected web of human emotion. From anger to sadness, from indignance to awe, from pensive to bewildered. The inner world of aros is varied and full of subtleties which is something that we all share. Furthermore, romantic love is only one kind of love and there are many others such as affectionate love, unconditional love and playful love. Relationships with aros can be very fulfilling for people who can look past the narrative that our society holds as normal and most desirable and can meet others where they are with an open and accepting mind. 

I mentioned earlier that aromantic people are members of the LGBTQIA+ community. To a lot of people this may seem like common sense that doesn’t really need talking about. However there are people who question the need to include, or the appropriateness of including, aromantics in the LGBTQIA+ community. Sometimes this can show up in ways like irritably or frustratedly asking “Why do we need so many letters/labels?”. But other times it shows itself in the attitude that to include those who don’t fit the most common experience of the queer community (ie in this case experiencing romantic attraction and wanting romance) might “dilute” the perceived cohesiveness and persuasiveness of our calls for equality. I’ve seen this argument used as a call to exclude, at different times and in slightly different ways, lesbians, bisexual+ people, asexuals, transgender people and gender diverse people. This is not why the queer community comes together in the first place though. We come together to support each other and to try to further our rights as a diverse community with a major thing in common: we all have the experience of being prejudged, excluded, stigmatised and discriminated against because we don’t experience attraction or have relationships in the prescribed manner society tells us we should. Whether that attraction is romantic or sexual or something else is not the defining point. It’s being negatively affected by social structures such as compulsory heterosexuality, monosexuality, allonormativity, amatonormativity and cisheteropatriarchy that unifies us all and that understanding clearly includes aromantic people in the LGBTQIA+ community. 

Aromantic people do experience stigma, prejudice and discrimination for being aro. Amatonormativity is the belief that everyone experiences the desire to be in a romantic relationship and that everyone prioritises romantic connections so people will be taught how to think about aros before they’ve even met an aro or come across the concept of aromanticism. The exclusionary attitude mentioned above is an example of how this can come from within the queer community. The nature of living in a society with amatonormativity means that if someone doesn’t want to have a romantic relationship, has little or no romantic attraction and possibly even finds romance uncomfortable they do get described as weird, cold, heartless, sociopaths, psychopaths, broken, traumatised, just needing to find the right person, a loner, immature and so on. None of them are accurate explanations as to why aromantics and aromanticism exist though. 

A significant part of this article has been speaking directly to some of these prejudiced ideas. It interests me that asexuals experience similar forms of prejudice too. When romance, romantic love and amatonormativity are so prevalent, it’s understandable that some aro people end up internalising some of these ideas too and, by doing so, become their own oppressors and pathologise themselves. It’s certainly not unheard of for someone to worry that they are heartless or broken because they don’t experience things in the same way as the majority and can’t connect with so much of the media in our society. If you see yourself in these words, please know that you are wonderful and valid just as you are. Experiencing the world differently from the alloromantic majority is totally fine and simply means that you have other things to offer. 

I will be exploring some of the things mentioned in this in greater detail in the future so keep an eye out if you’ve liked this.